At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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