Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
