It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
