You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
