apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
