first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
