??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
