my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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