You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize