i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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