Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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