Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
