Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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