Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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