i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Reggie can tackle my bush.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dick very happy bro
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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