I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
