so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
