Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
