I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
