You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
