you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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