This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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