We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize