my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
