Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize