I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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