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Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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