You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
