my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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