The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
