I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
