She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
