Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
