Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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