Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
