Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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