I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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