Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
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