I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
