1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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