At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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