I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
