East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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