I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
sarcasm needs its own font
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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