I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
