I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
