Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
