Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
