Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
