Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Randomize
