When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
