You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize