I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
