Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
