Soap is not a condiment
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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