sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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