I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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